Monday, May 15, 2006
Being me seems to be more difficult with each passing day. Not the me that is really me, but the me that everyone expects me to be. It wasn't that long ago that I was a totally different person than what I am now. Not to me, but to everyone else. To me, I'm am no different, but I'm just happier being me. Where before, well I was happy with being who everyone else thought I should be.
I would spend most of my time networking. You know racking in the people points. Getting to know people. Well not really know them, but become acquainted with them. I had a lot of acquaintances. I was out most every night, meeting and mingling. I had a party at least twice every year, where I'd invite all these people, and party like 1999. Most of these people I didn't really even like that well, but I invited them anyway. Most of them I hardly even knew. There were a handful that I did know and I did like being around, but the majority of them, not really.
Then I woke up one day and realized that I didn't like who I had become. My whole life, prior to coming out, I was always trying to live up to some one else's standards and idea of who and what I was. I promised myself when I first came out I would no longer be that way and I would be who I was. But here I was again, trying to be what every one else that I should be. And to be honest, I was miserable. And I began to notice that everyone else seemed to be doing the same thing. Almost like life was just a great big High School, where there were cliques and everyone trying gain the attention of everyone else.
Now people say they don't know me any more. I'm not the guy they knew.
You know what I say to that?
Well you really didn't know me.
Now I enjoy the solitude of my home. Watching a good movie curled up next to the one I love, or just hanging out with him, and a few of my close friends and family. I've become a solitary person, and you know what, it don't bother me. It gives me time to work on being me. The real me. No stress trying to climb a ladder that seems like the rungs are moving in the wrong direction. No more masks or mendacity. Just me, myself and I. Well and DJ and my kids, and my few friends. But that's all I really want. Honestly I think it's all I can handle!
Maybe it's age, or my own neurosis, but I don't like crowds of people the way I used to. Like yesterday. DJ's family had a big get together at his mother's for Mother's Day. I enjoy his family and they have become a big part of my life, but by 5:00 I had to get out of there. Too many people and to much confusion, and way too much trying to impress one another, and they were all family. I left, went home and read a little and then blogged a little and I was ready to call it a day.
Same way with going out. I can't stay out long, before I'm ready to get back into the safety net of my own sanctuary. Hell, I don't even make phone calls anymore, and when I do they are very limited on the time I spend on them and what is discussed.
So maybe I'm older and growing up finally, or I'm crazy and got some kind of phobia around being with people, but actually, I think I'm just being me.