Sunday, April 30, 2006
Well not really, last week involved real roller coasters, you know the metal, wood, up and down hills. The kind you find in amusement parks. This weekend involved a roller coaster that is worse than the metal & wood kind. This weekend was an emotional roller coaster.
I have shared with readers before about what I call my job, which from now on I will refer to as the mental ward. I got up Saturday morning with visions of having a great day and a great weekend. DJ and I had made plans to share Saturday evening together, something I feel we do not do enough of. Then Sunday we were to meet at his grandparents to work out in their yard. You know the typical spring work detail, cutting grass, laying mulch, and planting flowers. As it turned out, that was not to be. When I arrived at work I found out that the yard detail picnic had been re-scheduled for Saturday afternoon. DJ asked if we could do that instead of what we had planned, which sent me reeling. Meanwhile, his uncle, who lives upstairs over the mental ward, came down and began making snide remarks about the way I do my work. This coming form a 43 year old high school drop-out who has never worked a day in his life that mooches EVERYTHING off his parents. Normally I would not allow him to set me off, but due to the fact I was a little upset with DJ, I exploded on him and wasted my energy and sanity on someone that is not worth a hello most of the time. Our argument escalated into an all out verbal war.
after which, I was an emotional mess. I was fine with the ignorant asshole, but the minute I left I broke down. Literally broke down emotionally to the point I had to call DJ to come and calm me down. My body starting shaking and I broke out with hives on my arms and neck.
DJ being the saint that he is, listened as I ranted and screamed at how I had to get out that job and get a life. All the while taking the blame himself. Which is not the case, but it helped me calm down and come back to "reality". We left work early and went to dinner. After dinner we went shopping and found a new game to play (get your mind out of the gutter!)
We found Settlers of Catan, The Settlers of Catan is a board game of discovery, commerce and settlement. The object of the game is to be the first to settle this remote island. You gain resources in which to build up your settlements. They include brick, wheat, wood, and ore. As you progress you advance your settlements into cities and expand boarders with roads or development cards. We played for a couple hours and then settled in for the night. The roller coaster ride was almost over.
This morning we awoke and DJ prepared homemade waffles for breakfast and then we invited Silver over to play our new game with us, which he won (beginner's luck) and then afterwards DJ and I sat and watched a new movie together. One I highly recommend by the way, Shop Girl, an adaptation of Steve Martin's nouvelle of the same name. Claire Danes, Jason Schwartzman and Steve Martin all star. Even DJ loved it, and he normally does not care for romantic comedies.
So the roller coaster slows down and comes to a stop. At least for now.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
I never realized the inability to sleep was so life altering. I mean I've heard the word, and knew what it meant but never having the problem, I had no idea what it really was all about. Personally I don't recommend it.
All my life I have been one that loves to sleep in. You know those Saturday mornings when most kids get up early to watch the Saturday morning cartoons? (Back in the day when they had Saturday morning cartoons) Well that wasn't me. I would stay in bed as long as possible or until my mother would yell at me with..."Michael are you going to sleep your life away? Get up!"
In the first few years of my marriage (to my now ex wife) I worked 2nd shift. I would go to work at three p.m. come home at midnight go to bed and sleep until almost 1:30 in the afternoon. It may have been the fact that I was a gay man trying to live a straight life so I just preferred to sleep and not deal with it, but for what ever the reason, I was a sleeper.
Not any more.
It all started about 6 months ago. I started staying up late, and soon it became a habit. DJ would go to bed and I would get on the computer and plays SIMS or post on my blog. Then I would read all of your blogs and suddenly it was 3 or 4 in the morning. Then I seen the error of my ways, as I was always bitchy and had headaches, so I limited my computer time and started going to bed before midnight. Instead of falling to sleep I would lay there in bed looking at...Well nothing because it was dark. I'd get up, watch TV, get on the computer and again finally go to bed at 3 or 4 am. Even on my day off when I could sleep in, I'd be up at 5 or 6.
Finally I discussed this with my doctor and he suggested that I take medication, which I refused, as I don't like taking prescription medication. (a long story for another post) So instead I opted to get something less medicated and get an over-the-counter sleep aid. Nada, nothing. So then I tried Tylenol PM at my mother's suggestion. She has suffered from insomnia for quite a while, and she started taking it with great results. Well that worked. I'd go to bed at around 10 pm, fall asleep and sleep like a log. No waking up in the middle of the night, no sitting up until 3 or 4 am. But the problem was that I wouldn't wake when the alarm would go off. It would buzz and buzz and I'd sleep right through it. Making me late for work, and making my entire day just miserable. So... Instead of the recommended dosage of two pills before bed, I went to one. Same effect. Sleep right through the alarm and still feel like shit all day. Groggy and lifeless.
My sleep debt was piling up. My body was suffering from the effects, as well as my relationship with the one I love and adore. Not to mention my job. So finally something worked. I broke the Tylenol PM in half. That's right a half a pill and so far...Knock on wood, it's working.
I know they say that as you get older the less sleep you need. And maybe it's the fact that I slept so much in my earlier days, that I don't sleep now. Or it is as the doctor said and my MS is causing me to have this problem. Whatever it is, I wish it would go away. So far the half pill is working and I hope it continues because I love my bed and "blankies", all those pillows and cuddling up to DJ as we fall asleep. Not to mention the dreams.
Oh dear look at the time, I have to get to bed.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
I was not alive 50 years ago and I am sure living the gay life then was very private and secluded, especially if you were a gay couple. Today society is a wee bit more acceptable, and in the 5 1/2 years that DJ and I have been together we have never had to deal with any bigotry or homophobia. But then again we are not into PDA, and when we are in public, people probably don't even realize that we are a gay couple. (yes, they can tell that I'm gay, but DJ is a little more butch). Society has a long way to go, but I'm glad that I am living the life I want into today's society rather than 25, or 50 years ago.
One of the other things about living this life is that most people (including other gay couples) think that living the life of a gay couple is different than that of heterosexual couples. I hear guys all the time saying things about how they are not happy, or that their relationship was not what they expected. Relationships regardless of the gender of the partners is not all that different. Many gay couple (or at least in my opinion) think that once you come out, and find that guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, that everything will be roses, and you will always be happy. Life is life, regardless of who is living it, and from my own experience, my relationship I had for 15 years with my wife is not much different than that I have with DJ. Well except for the fact that we are both men...
But what I am saying is that it takes WORK. Relationships work because we make it work. Yeah, love is wonderful, and finding the one you really love makes it somewhat easier, but it still is work. It's not a party. Some gay couples think they have to go out every night, and party with the boys and have dinner parties, take cruises and all those other things. Those things are great, and I wish I had more money to do some of those things, but it is not those things that make a relationship. There are times that I would prefer just sitting home watching a great movie with DJ there with me.
Yes, there have been arguments and disagreements, and we make allowances for one another. It hasn't and isn't always a bed of roses. But it works. Because we work at it. We communicate and share and the bottom line is that we respect one another. But we are living the life, the one we want, and the one that makes us happy. No expectations, just going to work every day, paying the bills, enjoying one another and one another's family and friends, with the occasional night out, and yearly vacations. It's not always going to be pride rainbows and balloons, club hopping, and extravagant trips to exotic locations, but it's life. We are living it.
I love it that way!
And yeah, It helps that the sex is really great too...
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
So make sure if you have kids that they know that. Not just in your words, but in your actions and deeds. In today's world kids need that assurance.
Thanks Dad for always loving me, and Happy Birthday.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
The weekend was great. Great weather, great kids, great fun and just great. As posted on my blog earlier, we visited King's Island Amusement park. Here is us at the entrance at the beginning of the day. See we all looked rested and ready to go. Walk the miles around the park, stand in the long lines to ride the 32 second rides, pay exuberant prices for food and drinks, only to leave a few hours later exhausted and irritated. Amazing what we humans due for fun and relaxation isn't it? But we did have fun. I got to ride my favorite ride twice! And the second time I even rode in the first compartment, which made the ride totally different. Of course DJ and the kids went on their thrill rides (those that were operating) as I got to scan the park for ...Well you know, a quiet relaxing place to sit and relax. Well yesterday was not a good day for finding the perfect place to sit and relax...There was only about four hot guys in the entire park and one of those was DJ and another was myself. One that I missed was alone and had a T-shirt on that read, "Ok, you'll do." DJ told me about him after he was out of my line of sight.
The other I ogled while DJ and the kids were riding TOP GUN, and he really wasn't all that. But he has great biceps, don't ya think? DJ didn't think he was all that hot, but thankfully for me he likes them a little older. This guy was pretty cute though, and he kept walking closer towards me, even though I KNOW he knew I was talking his picture. He was also free of any body hair. Legs, arms, hands, chest and face, all shaven and smooth. Now his girlfriend on the other hand, she needed to be introduced to Lady Bic.
And if you look closely at the crotch area....
But that was it, the rest of the guys looked like that had just stepped out of Appalachia, cashed in their empty aluminum cans that they had been saving for three years just to purchase their entrance price. Not to mention the Britney Spears/K-Fed look-alikes that seemed to follow us around the park. I think he had a tattoo on his nipple. Now don't get me wrong tattoos can be hot, but not on a 5'8", bean pole on sticks, whose belly was bigger than mine, with his arm around a bleached blonde, wearing a tube top that showed her belly, which looked like it had just released their love spawn. I swear, her tummy sagged like a fresh gastro-bypass patient. And neither were wearing shoes. Not sure why, but they were shoeless. It was scary.
Maybe it was due to still being off season for not having hotter patrons, I know it wasn't because of the low prices, as it now costs, $42.99 a person to get in which is outrageous, but I was disappointed. At the sights that is, other than that we had a great afternoon at the park.
Today we took the boys back home then went to Momma D's for dinner. Our first grilled hot dogs and hamburgers of the season. Then back home where we watched The Devil's Advocate, (strange movie). Well the Monday blues are beckoning for me, so I must take my leave and see what tomorrow is going to bring.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
We (we being, my two youngest sons, DJ's sister and cousin, DJ and myself) are heading to King's Island Amusement Park today. Now I'm not a roller coaster fan. I actually will not go within ten feet of the line to the ride. So I am resigned to ride, attractions such as these. Now family rides are fun and enjoyable, and there is not much chance for major nerve, or muscle damage. Chances of getting whiplash are minimal. The problem with that is, well everyone but myself would prefer THESE attractions. Which means I usually ride my choice of rides alone, while the rest of the party stand in hour long lines waiting to take the chance to loose bladder control. I can get four or five rides completed while they are still waiting in line for the BEAST or DROP ZONE. (Drop Zone...Why go 315 feet in the air to be dropped straight down at 61 MPH??? Why?)
But my boys are excited about the trip and DJ loves the place, so I am sure we will all have fun. I too am actually looking forward to it. I bought some new sunglasses a few weeks ago that are reflective so that I can check out any guy in the park I want, on any part of his body and he or no one else will know what I am watching.
I love amusement parks....
Friday, April 21, 2006
DJ's grandfather in his prime, was I am sure a very successful business man. Now he has had brain surgery, due to diabetes which continues to ravage his body. He is still trying to "run" the business but at this point he is not physically or mentally able. He allows his wife and son to control most everything. Sadly this has proved disastrous as in the two years I have been with them they have lost two real estate holdings, and several customers. She has no business sense and certainly has no customer service sense. This loss is wearing on the entire family, and on DJ's grandmother to the point where she is even nastier than normal. And nothing can be done. Even thought DJ's mother is the "CEO" she has no authority or power other than to sign checks. All decision have to go through "Attilla the Hun". Wrong move.
The family feels that even their "legal advisor" is swindling them but they continue to follow his advice as they fall deeper and deeper into debt and financial disaster. So instead of being part of the problem I've decided to become a solution. At least for myself and get out. If I do not walk away now, within a few months or a year I will not have a job to go to anyway, so get out while the getting is good I say. But with no job in sight and DJ drawing unemployment it probably wasn't the best time for a change. But it has to be done, because not only is it effecting me mentally and emotionally it is also effecting Mine and DJ's relationship, which I promised myself I would not allow to happen.
Bottom line or the moral to all of this? Never work for family. Yours or your partners.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
One of the most powerful lines was from the Sandra Bullock character to her housekeeper, "You're the best friend I've got." It's so true, sometimes the best friend we have is right in front of us but we are too blind to really see it. Or we refuse to see it because of our bigotry and racism.
Every performance in this movie was memorable; Don Cheadle, Terrance Howard, Matt Dillon, Ryan Phillipe, Thandie Newton, Sandra Bullock, each one of them was real, but by far I think the best performances besides Matt Dillon, was Beverly Todd who played Don Cheadle's mother, and Michael Pena.
Matt's portrayal of a bigoted, angry cop was phenomenal, and when he climbs into the burning car to save the woman and realizes who it is he is trying to save was unforgettable. Beverly Todd, who I felt was the best performance in the entire movie was just flawless. Her love for her son was so real and so true. How many mother's have we seen that sees no wrong in their baby regardless of what it does to them. I saw my own grandmother in that part, devoted to the "bad" son regardless of how it effected the "good" son. Michael Pena gave a moving performance of a father trying to do his best in protecting and providing for his family, and when for a split instant you think all that was for naught, your heart cries with him.
Buy this movie, it is one that belongs in every DVD collection. Watch it once for the story and then watch it again for the performance of every actor and actress, you will not be disappointed.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
DJ and I are doing well, other than the fact that he spends more time with his family than he does me, but I'm used to that by now. Ever since we haved moved closer to them it seems that he spends all of his extra time with them. Which is good, I mean we all need our family and his grandparents are getting older and he should spend time with them. I wish I would spend more time with my family. But it's a choice you have to make. Hell, I don't even spend time with my friends anymore.
Princess is doing very well since her loss of her job. She is looking at the positive side of the situation and going to enjoy her time off and her pregnancy. It sounds like the baby's dady AH is also finally growing up a little bit, maybe it will work out for them afterall, I certainly hope so. You have dreams and hopes for your children, and want them to make the best of their life. When according to your opinion, they fall from that goal YOU have set for them it makes you worry. But Princess knows what she is doing, and she is a strong girl. I know things will work out for her. Regardless of what happens she will never know how proud I am of her.
Work is horrible. I so wish I could find something else. It's not that work is hard, as it is not at all, but mentally and emotionally I am at the end of my rope when it comes to work. You can only take so much of the drama that goes on here. It's every day, something. DJ's grandmother needs to retire, but she refuses to, and the mistakes she is making are costing the business, but no one sees that or wants to do anything about it. I've complained until I'm blue in the face, but again no one seems to care. I've made a goal for myself. Come June if things have not changed I am hitting the pavement and the want ads and finding something else. I have to for my own emotional well being.
Well enough of all of that. I will try and get a posting in before next week. The boys are coming down this weekend and we are making plans to go to King's Island Saturday with Silver and his son MCB. So I am sure I will have something to share.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Just received a call from Princess. She just got finished with a sonogram and it's now official, she is having a girl. So now the shopping can begin. This has helped with Princess' mood so hopefully now she can enjoy the rest of her pregnancy. And I can prepare myself for being a grandpa.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
"Daddy...??" She was distraught, almost unable to speak.
"What is it? Is everything okay?"
"They fired me daddy, I lost my job."
Yeah, she was "let go". Apparently she was told that the company was moving in a different direction and it didn't include her. She has been with this company for a little over a year, and has run this office herself for the past 8 months, pregnant, morning sickness and all.
I finally tried calming her down by making her see the good side of the situation. She can draw unemployment, have the baby and stay home with her new baby and not have to go back to work as soon as she was going to have to. Even though she will only bring home 60% of her wage, it will still be the same amount of bring home pay, due to not having to pay for her insurance through work. She can apply for assistance until the baby is born and then look for new work. That seemed to settle her down, but she was still pretty upset.
Having the same thing happen to me a few years back, I can understand what she is feeling and sympathize. Now add that with raging hormones gone wild and you have what she is experiencing.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Overall the weekend was good. We got up early Sunday morning and took the boys to breakfast and made plans to meet Silver and his son MCB for a game of putt putt. The weather was great and the boys had a good time. Even DJ I think enjoyed the afternoon. We are planning a trip to Kings Island for our next excursion.
After we took the boys home DJ and I stopped at the neighborhood Wal-Mart near the boys house and bought several (9) DVD's, Like we didn't have enough. We came home watch Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Midnight Cowboy. I enjoyed Sky Captain, as I adore Jude Law. But as I was watching Midnight Cowboy, I began to wonder why did this film 1) Get an x rating when it was first released in 1969 2) What was all the hula baloo about it 3) What kind of breathing disorder to Dustin Hoffman's character have? 4) How did it win an Academy Award for Best Picture? I mean it is a good movie, don't get me wrong, but BEST picture? Especially when it was up against movies like Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid and Hello Dolly! Anyway...
We went to bed, and about 3:00 I was having a dream that DJ and I were in bed, but the bed was ontop of this large mountain, and DJ fell out of bed, and off the side of this mountain. I screamed out his name, waking myself up, and he was having a breathing attack (this was real, not a dream.) It was so bad I almost got up and rushed him to the ER, but he finally was able to catch his breath and relax, I am not sure when I fell back asleep, but the whole episode had me pretty shaken up. We believe that DJ has a lung disorder. Both his mother and Aunt have it, and they have the same symptoms that DJ has been experiencing over the past few months. Hopefully he will take our advice and get to the doctor soon.
Tonight has been quiet after a peaceful return to work. I called my brother and wished him a Happy Birthday (Happy Birthday again, Brother) and went to therapy, came home and had dinner. DJ and I have a shower planned for later, (you know a hot shower helps with the breathing....) So I must get my SIMS2 in before he gets back home...
Saturday, April 08, 2006
As I posted yesterday, I've had the last few days off. And guess what? I'm sick. Figures right? I mean I get days off of work and I get sick and don't feel like doing anything.
I went yesterday afternoon to pick up my two youngest boys. I left about 3:00p.m. and at the time it was sun shining, and about 80 degrees outside. They live about 35 minutes north of me and as I was traveling the road I could see dark clouds in the direction to where I was headed. By the time I arrived at their house it had already rained there and the temperature had dropped about 7 degrees. As we were traveling back to my place the clouds began to loom even darker and the temperature kept decreasing. I get a call on my cell phone from DJ.
"Be careful, we just were put on a tornado warning, there is hail coming down and a funnel cloud was sighted near our house!"
I changed stations on the radio and it confirmed what DJ had just said, and the clouds were darker than ever, and suddenly I was in rain, and the temperature had dropped to 69 degrees, when just 30 minutes earlier in the same location it was 80. Within a few minutes I was not able to see to drive, and was sitting at a red light in a hail storm. We were able to make our way to the store, and when we came out of the store about 20 minutes later, the rain and clouds were gone, and the sun had returned. However it was now only 59 degrees.
Funny how storms come up so quickly and change the course of the day and even your mood. When I left yesterday I felt great and my mood was up, by the time I got back home I was tired and agitated.
Same thing happens in life, you know? Everything seems sunny and warm and in an instant a storm can pass through your life and everything is changed. Sometimes in an instant. Loss of a job, loss of a relationship, sickness and tragedy. Sometimes it is not even anything as drastic as those things, but a small storm in your life can change the course of your life forever. Just be careful and realize that it can not be sunny and warm all the time, and be ready when the storm hits. Take cover, as it too will soon pass.
Friday, April 07, 2006
I began writing again. Not just my blog, but my book, REALITY CHECK. (the actual purpose for this blog) I have four parts, with about 32 chapters completed and it seems as though I could just go on and on with this story, but sooner or later I'm going to have to come to an end. The story is a ficticious account of three of my friends, DJ and myself, a dramadey is what I call it. It seems as though when I pick it back up to write, I think of more and more new adventures that I can get myself into. The first part is my friend Veruca and my shopping trip to Midwestern Kentucky, Part two is about DJ and my adventure in purchasing and refurbishing our home, Part four is about Silver, DJ and myself trip to Vegas, and I am currently working on a trip across country. It is amazing the things my "ficticious" characters get themselves into, and with all of us being gay, it can be quite amusing as well. But I have to finish it, do a big wrap and come to an end of the gay adventures, but how do I do that. I don't want to follow the same old tired routine of growing old and growing apart (even though in real life that is what seems to be happening), so what do I do?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Maybe it's the fact that my two older children are soon going to be parents themselves, but I wonder sometimes how I did as a father, and how I'm doing as a father. A few years ago my daughter and I had a pretty heated discussion on how she felt about things when I left. But she was able to tell me and get it off her chest, and then I dealt with it. I know I made some mistakes, big ones, and I know it has affected my children's lives, but just how much? My oldest son has never really said anything to me about my leaving, and coming out. Maybe that's how he deals with it. My two youngest really don't have too much recollection of when I was living with them, and the dad they have now is the only dad they really remember. Coming out was painful for me, but sometimes I think it has been more painful for my two oldest kids. I mean prior to coming out we lived a surreal life, and then one day POOF! It changed. I love my kids more than words could ever express and that is what I've tried to show them, especially in the past five years or so. DJ has shown me that, as he has no relationship with his father at all, and he helps me realize how important it is to stay close to my kids.
Now that the grand babies are coming, I want to do all I can to try and maybe give them as much love as I can. I want them to grow up knowing that their grandfather is a good, loving, caring man that cares very deeply for them, and not just their GAY grandpa. I don't want that to be a focus for them or their friends or family. I don't want them to have to say..."That's my grandpa and he is gay." I want them to be able to say, "That's my grandpa and he's great!"
Now don't get me wrong I know I am far from great, but I look at my own father and his relationship with his grandchildren. They all adore him. He is their role model. I may not ever be the role model that he is, but I want to be someone that they can respect and admire. I want to be someone that they know loves them, unconditionally. How do I make that happen? I do it. Shower them with love and respect, and you will get that in return, right?
I hope someday that my oldest son will be able to talk to me about his feelings, about when I left and share how it affected him. Since my daughter did, things are so much more open between us, and I can tell her anything, and I hope she feels the same with me. Maybe my son won't ever talk to me about, maybe he has dealt with it, and don't feel the need to talk about it. He always has been a very quiet introspective person. I know that he loves me, and I hope he knows how much I love him, even though at times I wasn't there to show it or prove it to him. Life is too short I suppose to worry about regrets, but to move forward and try your best not to add too many more to your life.
See I told you it turns to melancholy.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
There are a lot of things that are foolish, and there are a lot of foolish things that people do that annoy me. Mainly because it's just plain ignorance on their part.
Like walk across the middle of a four lane road in heavy traffic, when there is a cross walk not ten feet away. Go to the damn corner wait for the traffic lights to change and use the damn walk light. Don't walk out in the middle of the road and expect people to move or stop for you. Because the next time it happens, I'm going to hit your ass. You ignorant fool!
Then there are those phone calls at work when someone asks you for a service and you no longer have that service, or you are temporarily out of what they need...For example...
"Hi I was calling to see if you had any car rentals available?"
"No, sorry we will not have anything until Monday."
"So you don't have anything?"
"No, sorry not until Monday."
"So you have nothing for today? What about Sunday?"
"I have nothing until Monday."
"So nothing for tomorrow?"
See, they don't understand the meaning of NO. Ignorance. Next time you call and ask and ask and ask, I am going to ask you if you know the meaning of no. Your ignorant fool!
Or those callers you get at home.
"Is Brandy there?"
"Sorry there is no Brandy here, you must have the wrong number."
"Oh, okay but is Brandy there?"
"YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!"
Then there are those people that drive like lunatics, speeding in and out of traffic, passing and cutting other drivers off, and then you see a child STANDING UP in the back seat of the car! IGNORANCE. If your going to drive like that and you don't care about the safety of the other drivers or yourself, could you at least be concerned about the child you have in the car that is not in a child restraint seat. Is your name Britney Spears or what? You don't deserve children. You are an ignorant fool.
And don't even get me started on the drivers that insist on driving while talking on the phone, smoking a cigarette and putting on makeup all at the same time. You have two hands, at least one of them should be on the wheel. And if not then pull over and do your personal business while the car is parked.
Then there is that whole spring ahead thing tonight, where we lose an hour of sleep...
Oh the list could go on and on but the more I think about it the more upset I become. And that's just being foolish.