Pain in the Ass

I wasn't going to do this.

I mean I do have some things in my life that are sacred and I think should remain personal. Not blog material.

And this was going to be one of them.

But after an entire day of being made fun of, laughed at and ridiculed (even by my very own mother) I decided to share.

So for those of you that are faint of heart you may want to stop reading here. For those of you that now have their curiousity aroused, proceed...but don't say I didn't warn you.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a severe, excrutiating pain. It was emulating from my anal region. My ass for those of you that want plain English. Or as my son used to say when he was three, my poo poo.

I couldn't understand why my ass hurt. I wasn't hurting before I went to bed, although I later found out what I was doing before I went to sleep, sometimes can cause this problem. After a little "investigating" I realized that I had "piles" (hemmoroids, I say piles because it's eaiser to spell). So I thought this is what those feel like. Ouch.

But by mid-morning it was no longer ouch it was OMG!! I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand, and God forbid if I had to walk any distance. DJ's grandmother (who is my employer) recognized it right away.

"What's wrong Michael, do you have piles?" I answered in the affirmative. Of course explaining my problems arose because of my bout with constipation the last day or so. I didn't want her to know the REAL reason for my discomfort. She then goes to her purse and pulls out a tube of Preparation H. Yeah from her purse. And no I didn't use the same applicator. But it didn't work, The pain seemed to get worse. Later that afternoon, DJ's mother comes into the office and sees the tube of medication on the desk. "What's this doing out here?" I then proceed to tell her about my "bowel problems" and her mother gave that to help. She looks at the expiration date on it. It reads 10/02/02. No wonder than damn stuff didn't work. She finds this funny and proceeds to call her sister to tell her the entire story. So now almost EVERYONE in DJ's family knows I got piles!

Once I get home I call my mommy. Yes I will be 45 years old this year, but there are times I still need my mom. A lot of times actually. What do I get from her? Not sympathy. Not even a "it will get better honey", but I get laughed at. I think she knows better than to believe the whole bowel problem story, hence the laughter. Then when I tell her about the whole PREP H thing, she really laughs. Then I tell her I bought some of my own to use when I got home, but it wasn't helping. She then goes into this long drawn out explanation about what they really are and how to apply the creme. (Thank goodness she did because I was doing it all wrong, but let's not get into that) My father then gets on the phone, and of all people, he understands, and he shows sympathy. He has dealt with this problem himself, so he knows what I'm going through. Finally someone who feels my pain. Or at least has felt the same pain at sometime or other.

Let's just say most of the time I get pleasure out of...well you know, but not tonight. This is the most painful thing I have ever experienced!

Of course DJ feels terrible for me, but he won't help either. I wanted him to look at me to make sure I wasn't bleeding or anything. He wouldn't. Yet, any othe time I want him in that region he is willing, why should this be different? It must be like that whole thing with men after watching their wives give birth, you know they are squeemish about going back there. So maybe I'm glad he didn't, but then on the other hand, he is not going there anytime soon!!! Maybe NEVER again!

Now finally after an entire day of pain, and ridicule, I'm feeling somewhat relieved. I've taken four hot baths and several applications, correctly applied and now I just hope I can sleep. And to think women have to contend with these things while they are pregnant. I am so glad I was born a man. This is a real pain in the ass!

So now I have given everyone way too much information. Or as my friends usually tell me...TMI Michael, TMI!