Thursday, July 27, 2006


Ocassionaly I like to retreat into my memory vault and share with you on my blog something of my past. It could be the recent past, or way back there in my vault behind the spider webs and huge trunks. It gives you, my readers (all three of you) a little insight on my reality.

But for today's FLASHBACK, we will go back into my childhood. Which was at least 10 years back. Remember that first crush? How it felt every time you saw that person and how you became all fidgety inside? That's where I'm going today, back in time to my first crush.

Now let me remind you that this was in the mid to late 60's and I lived in Middle America, and I didn't even know what the word gay meant at the time, but all I knew was that I felt funny every time I was around this guy. And it was a good funny. (if you know what I mean) It was also the first time I realized that I was different than most of the other boys I knew.

His name was Sam. He was in my class and sat over by the door, next to where the pencil sharpener was bolted to the wall. Sam was everything I wasn't in 3rd grade. Cute, popular, with blue eyes and blonde hair. At recess he could do it all, play baseball, tether ball, and boy could he swing on those monkey bars. Every time he would walk past me I felt a quiver run through me. At first I didn't know what it was, but then I realized that I was thinking about him at home, and even during Christmas break. Of course when people asked if I had a girlfriend I would say, "Yeah, her name is Sam, short for Samantha"

Yes, even in third grade there was denial. But Sam was the shit! I watched him, I fantasized about him. I wanted to BE him! As the years progressed and my yearnings for Sam increased I would take classes that I knew he would be in, just so I could see him. In ninth grade he actually joined choir and his position on the risers was RIGHT NEXT TO ME! I remember that he smelled so good. But Sam never gave me the time of day. Sometimes he'd say "hey" but most of the time he'd just grunt.

But as fate would have it, we moved away my sophomore year and I lost contact with Sam. Never acting out on my urges to seduce him. But then a few years ago...

I came across a newspaper article in the local paper. It was a story about a father of three boys that was active in little league and how he coached all three of his sons from little league into high school and now one of his sons was being drafted by a major league baseball team.

You guessed it! That dad was none other than my Sam. And down at the bottom of the article was a picture of my beloved Sam.

Time was not good to Sam. He lost his thick golden hair, and it was replaced by skin, he was bald. His blue eyes were covered by very thick glasses, and his beautiful athletic physique had been taken over by McDonald's. He looked as though he weighed a good 250 lbs. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not as shallow as all that, but this was my first crush. He was to stay young and beautiful for ever in my mind. But instead he aged like all of us.

And now, I look better than he does...
That's what he gets for never giving me the time of day back than.

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