A Penis By Any Other Name Still Works The Same

I remember a conversation in a bar a few years back between me and some of my friends. Yes, we were all pretty smashed. But the conversation was about the names we had for our penises. I heard some really funny ones and some that I would have loved to find out why it had THAT name.
But I wonder; do all guys name their penis, or is it just a gay thing? Maybe I need to take a survey.

Questions for men: Does your penis have a name? What is its name? Who named it, you or a significant other? Do you feel pressured to live up to your penis's name?

Questions for women: (Because if I asked a straight guy the questions above I would probably get sucker-punched) Does your significant other's penis have a name? Did you name it? What do you call it? Is that supposed to be funny?

I don’t think it should be funny. That’s just not right. Naming your sex tool with a name like Spunky just isn't right. You see, penises are no laughing matter to us gay guys. I'm also not a person given to nicknaming things the way, say, President Bush nicknames people. And now that we bring it up, I'm guessing President Bush has a nickname for his penis. It could be something down-home, like "Buckaroo" or "The Texas Twister." It could be something reflecting the awesome power of the presidency, like "Chief Joint of Staff" or "The Secret Servicer." I, too, like the President am a guy, but not that much of a guy. I'm male, of course, which is a critical guy trait. But a penis to me probably doesn’t mean the same to George.
Also, as long as we're talking about Politics and penises: Does Dick Cheney need to name his penis, since he's already named Dick?

Shocking though it may be, it's not just men who are naming their parts. According to a highly scientific poll, 35% of men and 30% of women name their genitalia.
Think about that for a second. Look around you. Basically, one third of the people in your field of vision have a name for their genetalia. And I'm not talking about generic names, like cock or weiner. I'm talking specific, ideally one-of-a-kind names like, for example, "Rob in the Hood."
Does it matter, really, what you call it, so long as you call it, and so long as it comes when it's called?

After what turned out to be an exhaustive search for nicknames women have for their genitalia I am convinced that women, compared to men, are boring. Or, perhaps, mature.
This is not to say that there aren't many, generic names for female parts, including: Dick Mitten, South Mouth, and Salami Garage. But men on the other hand (no pun intended but the one in the previous paragraph was intended.) has a whole gamit of names for their “hanging down things”, for example -- with this list of men's nicknames for their no-doubt-impressive penises, including: The Ramburgler, Everybody Loves the Nubbin, and Pope John Pole III. These penis names beat the hell out of "Dick Mitten," even without mentioning the atom bomb of penis names: The Sixth Beatle. (I still don't get that)
Men have even specialized names according to their occupation or field of expertise, as this list of military penis nicknames indicates. My favorite: The Purple Beret.

So if you or your boyfriend haven’t named your penis and you now have this insatiable need to name your man-meat but are fresh out of ideas, technology has come to your rescue. Here is a penis name generator that is both fun and easy to use. Just type-in a name, click on the "Name My Penis" button, and up comes a highly masculine penis nickname.

The big question of course, is why people name their genitalia at all. My theory is that they do it because it makes it easier to find your genitalia in a crowd. Stand in, say, a busy shopping mall sometime and shot, "Hey! Where's my dick?" Do people look at you funny? Of course they do. But stand in another mall whose security department doesn't have your picture plastered all over the place and shout, "Lord Byron? Where are you hiding?" You get a completely different reaction. You still get thrown out, but it's for being an insane graduate student instead of a pervert.

There are, or course, other theories about why people name their genitalia. As to why men name their penises more than women name their vaginas, I think it likely has something to do with dignity. Most men want to remind the world that they have, for example, a Wand o' Doom.As anyone who has ever met a man knows, men regardless if they are straight or gay do think of their penises as separate entities, and the personality traits and free will we ascribe to our penises are anything but imaginary.

So there we have it: Men name their penises more than women name their vaginas because vaginas, like the little toy dogs women keep as fashion accessories, are well behaved in public. Men prefer big sloppy dogs that drool and chew and bark at imaginary garbage trucks. Big dogs like that need names -- and, for that matter, leashes and stun guns. But mostly names, if for no other reason than to allow you to curse them when they end up over in the neighbors yard, fucking the woman's toy poodle nearly to death.

Have a lovely weekend.
If DJ reads this entry you can find me sleeping in the garage with my new friend "Prince Charlie the Magical Light Sabre ".