To Date or Not to Date...That is the Question

It's been almost a year since Dan and I broke up, and recently I've been thinking about dating again.  I mean seriously looking for someone to date. More than a one night stand, or a FWB. Someone special.

Well it's not as easy as I first thought it was going to be.  I mean a lot has changed in eleven years, which was the last time I went on a date.  There was the Internet 11 years ago, but online dating was in it's infancy, and many of the guys that were on those sites were not ones you would have wanted to take home to meet your mother...or pets.  However, now the Internet is flooded with gay dating sites and even apps for your phones.  There is gay.com, okcupid.com, grindr, scruff, adam4adam, growlr...and the list goes on and on, even craigslist has an man 4 man option for personal ads.  Some are true dating sites, but most a "hook-up" sites.  What happened to going out to the bars, or other social venues and find a nice guy?

Then there are the "types" of guy your looking for, or attracted to.  Do I want a twink, or bear, or sissy girl, or leather man.  Hell I just want a date!  Then there is the age thing... yes we in the gay community are very selective.  If you are 21 to 30, you don't want to date someone in their 50's.  A guy 50+ is like dating your grandfather! (Yes, I was told that)  If your 35 to 40, you also don't want to date someone over 50.  Why? Because they are wanting someone their age or younger, someone they can relate to.  And most of the guys that are 45-55? Well they are looking for some hot young stud to make them feel younger. So where do I fit in, in all of this?  I don't know, you tell me! I'm not picky about age. Well anywhere from 25 to 55,  I think that is a broad enough age difference. As far as my type? He just needs to be a gay man, that is established, employed and decent. Not so much into "types" either.

I was just hoping to jump back out there in the dating pool and find Mr. Right and settle back down in the daily grind with someone at my side. But do I really? Do I really want that?  Am I ready for another relationship?  Will I ever be ready for another relationship? Today I am not sure. But what I do know is that I do not like dating any more that I did 11 years ago.  It's hard, and painful, and it causes me to think WAY too much.  So what do I do?  I think the answer is plain and simple and it was said to me 11 years ago.  Just stop looking and thinking so much about it. If it happens it happens.

So for now I will continue to check the dating sites I have signed up on, and I will continue to meet and talk to guys when the opportunity arises. But I am not going to dwell on not having a boyfriend.  I am going to date myself, enjoy my friends and family and when it's right....well you know the rest of it.

Three Strikes and You're...Back at the Plate!

Time stops for no man...or woman. It continues to slip through our hands with no regard to what we want or where we are. Since my last post, over a year ago, so much has transpired. I know that if I were to start posting about the last year, it would take me a year, so I just want to hit on three major life changing events that happened in the last year.

1) In July of 2010, I turned 50. To say that it didn't bother me would be a lie. It did bother me, but I kept up appearances and continued on the same path. I really was not taking care of myself. I had gained a lot of weight, and weighed over 190 pounds. But I remained comfortable and satisfied, or so I thought. The shortly after my 50th birthday, reality started setting in and led to event number two.

 

 

2) In about September or October of 2010, Dan and I ended our ten year relationship. There were a lot of things that brought us to that place, but the bottom line was, it was time. As I said prior I had stopped taking care of myself, and became complacent. Dan became frustrated with my complacency as he was trying to loose weight and take care of himself. Put that on top of my unwarranted jealousy and Dan's desire to have freedom and experience life, we began to move in different directions. In January we finally told our families, and by February Dan met someone and moved out. That didn't last long and he soon moved back in, but only as friends. And now almost a year later we are as best of friends as we have ever been. He goes his way, I go mine and we still share things we schedules permit. I learnt a great deal in this past year, and thanks to my best friend I was able to learn it with him learning the same things, but in a different way. I realize that I no longer need to be dependent on anyone else. Regardless of how much you care about someone, or how much they care about you, we can not put all of our strength, hopes, dreams, goals on them. I am thinking independently again, living somewhat independently again, and finding myself again...and I am doing it with my best friend. Yes, it was hard, after ten years I'd be crazy if it wasn't, but we both are better men for it. Even tho9ugh breaking up was hard to do....the most devastating event that changed my life happened in 2011.

 

 

3) In April of 2011, during a conference call at work, I began to feel somewhat odd. After the meeting I tried to go back to my desk, and never made it. I suffered a mild stroke and was taken to urgent care and then later to Christ Hospital where I stayed for four days. A stroke, at 50 years old!! It was scary, debilitating, frightening, and an emotional wake up call. I soon was able to come back, and there are almost no residual effects from the stroke, but it made me realize many things. I look at each day with different eyes, as well as those around me that I love and cherish.

 

 

Yes, time does move quickly, and things can change in a moment. But even though I suffered three strikes in the past year, I am not out! I am back at the plate, better than ever and ready to hit a home run!!

Happy Anniversary! And So Much More!

On March 23rd DJ and I celebrated our 8th anniversary of our commitment ceremony. In September will be our 9th year together, but the 23rd was the day that we committed ourselves to one another in front of all our friends and family. I was going on 41 and he had just turned 21!! Wow he was young...

Anyway, 8 years later and so much has transpired since then. 8 different living locations, one hospital visit, diagnosed with diabetes, three grandkids, 4 jobs for myself, 6 for DJ, death of a grandparent, living with his mother, and now Adam's battle with Hodgkins. But through it all we have had each other. Yes, there were a few times we had some disagreements, and it has not always been a bed of roses, but over-all I think our relationship has been a very strong one from the beginning. Our mutual respect, love and passion for one another has survived all of those things, and the mis-steps... we have been able to work through them. So on to the next 8 and then the next 8 and so on.

Happy Anniversary DJ, I love you and thank you for loving me!

The First Time Ever I Saw His Face

The first time I saw him I knew there was just something about him. I wasn't looking for anything or anyone. I had actually just came to the conclusion that I was to be single and was happy about it and happy with myself. So when I walked into the bar that night and glanced over and saw this good looking guy sitting there all by himself, I really didn't think that eight years later we would still be together. But I knew something.

I knew from the first time I saw him that he was a gentle soul, a passionate person with dreams, goals and ideas. When we first spoke and I saw his smile, I knew I liked him. When we danced and made small talk it just felt right, comfortable, almost like it should be that way. Never once did I fell like I needed to put on a facade or keep things private. I wanted to share things with him.

Eight years ago today I met a man. Not just any man, but a special man. One that I had no idea who he was, or where he came from, but who became the biggest part of my life, who actually became part of me. DJ was that man, and I can not even begin to imagine my life without him. Still today when he smiles my heart leaps, when we hold each other I feel safe and secure, and oh so comfortable. When we talk it feels so right. Sometimes we don't even need to talk because it seems we can read each others minds. Happy Anniversary DJ. I love you always and forever.

L.A. Bound

Well not for me. DJ is heading to L.A. September 27th. He is heading to the city of angels to help open a new store and train the servers/bartenders. He just returned last month from Bozeman, MT. and now he is leaving me again to work with the stars.

Well maybe not actually the stars, but at least in the same city of the stars. Do I sound a little jealous? Well if I don't, I am. I know he is going out there to work, but I've never been to L.A. and would love to go. However, I have no vacation time left at work to be able to go, and even if I did we do not have the extra cash to fly me out there. So I will just have to be satisfied with his pictures and his experiences. So I am sure I will share with you his trip and pictures, and you like me can sit back in envy as do I as we share his experience with his photos.

Am I liking the fact he is traveling all over the country? At first it was very difficult. And no I am not ecstatic over the fact that he is in L.A. and I am left alone in Cincinnati. But this is a great opportunity for him, and it really does validate his work. It is also something that he really enjoys doing, training others. So, I yes, I am going to miss him terribly, but I must put my selfishness behind him and allow him to do this with his job. Sometimes we need to make sacrifices in relationships. I just hope his travelling slows down a bit. Maybe every tow months instead of every month. We will see. Meanwhile I will collect his pictures and his stories and make long distance late night calls...

One Week Back

DJ has been home from Montana for a week, and let me tell you it has been one incredible week. I will not go into to all the reasons as to why, but let's just say we really missed each other!

Since coming back we have spent more time talking and cuddling that we have in quite a long time. So I suppose when they say that, absence makes the heart grow fonder, has some truth to it.

We will find out how true that is, as he is leaving again. The first week of October he will be travelling to Louisville, Kentucky to open another store. Now this trip will not be as bad. For several reasons. Like we will be in the same time zone. Louisville is only an hour and a half from home, so there will be a few days get away for me as well when I go to Louisville to meet him.

I wanted to share some pictures with you, so head on over to Yahoo Pics of Dan's Trips, and see some of the pictures from DJ's trip to Montana!

Change of Routine

The posts have been few and far between. I apologize for that, but honestly the my blogging has taken a back seat to work, DJ and World of Warcraft! I will continue to give bits and pieces of the goings on around here if you are really interested that is.

The last post I had just received word that DJ was going to be gone for two weeks in Montana opening a new store. Well, he is there and I am here. This is the 9th day we have been apart, and just let me tell you this has been one of the hardest things I've had to do. Leaving him at the airport was just heart rendering. Knowing that he is so far away and if something was to happen...I don't even want to think about it.

The third day into his trip he called and said that he had been asked to open a new store in Oregon. I was really pleased and happy for him until I found out when he was going. 4 or 5 days after he got back from Montana. I was a mess for an entire day. My whole world was changing and to be honest I didn't like it. I can handle him being gone from time to time, but back to back with only a few days to be with one another?? I think that would take it's toll on any relationship. We talked about it at length for a few days, over the phone lines and we both decided that it was just too soon to take off again and to be apart. There will be other trips, and when those opportunities come along, I will just have to accept it. But not back to back. I need my man for more than just 4-8 days a month!

It has been quiet and lonely around here without DJ, and I find myself missing him at the most inoportune times. Like 4 in the moring when he is sound asleep (like I should be) Or during the middle of the day when both are working. But soon he will be home (5 more days!!) and things will be back to normal, at least until he goes away again....

Where the Deer and the Antelope Play

Montana...Bozeman, Montana to be exact. What the hell is in Bozeman, Montana? Apparently a new restaurant. One that DJ will be helping open up and train the new employees.

Yes, DJ is leaving for beautiful Bozeman, Montana on the 16th and will be gone until the 3oth!

This is a great opportunity for him and it says a lot about what a great employee he is. He recently opened a store here locally and impressed the coordinator so much that he hand picked DJ to go out to Montana and help open the new franchise out there.

What will I be doing for the 14 days he is out in "Cowboy Country?" Well this isn't about me. It's about DJ, and I fully support him in his career and want to see him be successful. So what will I be doing while he is away in the mountains? Like I said. it's not about me but about DJ and the opportunity he has been afforded and the extra cash he will be bringing in.

No really, how do I feel about it? Honestly? Well, at first I was upset. This will be the first time in 8 years that we have been away from one another for more than one night. And I really hate being alone. But after I thought about it I realized this is an opportunity for him that is incredible and he really wants to do this. So I will learn to live with it, and make lots of long distance phone calls. And it's only for 14 days. It could be 14 weeks. So a new chapter has opened up in our relationship and to be honest, I am really excited for him, and for the both of us. But I'm still allowed to miss him...

Getting Stronger

This has been a very emotional week in our home. So much has transpired that it just seemed to crawl by. Or it may be the fact it was the week after vacation! Anyway, this week was hard.

I'm not going into the reasons why it was hard, but let me say that after this week I take nothing for granted. Especially my relationship with DJ. Things happen inrelationships that either make you stronger, or tear you apart. This week DJ and I became much stronger. I realize that what I have is precious and true. I also know that love can be unconditional, because he has shown me that in a way I have never seen before.

I don't want to get all mushy and sentimental, but I do want to say if you are with the one you love, cherish it. Work with it, keep it fresh and alive. Commit yourself to it because you may never get another chance. Relationships are not easy, even the ones that seem unbreakable. They take work, respect, honesty and most of all real love. Our relationship has always been strong, but I know we have to work every day to make it stronger. The forces of life are out there and many times we loose sight of the one we love the most, but after this week I plan to keep my eyes and heart focused on the most important man in my life.

I love you DJ.

Need a Day Off?

When I worked as a manager I heard all kinds of excuses from my staff regarding unscheduled days off. From being sick, to even death, yes people have lied about a family member dying to get a day off. Unbelieveable, but true.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and feel like just crawling back into to bed and taking the day off? We all have, and probably will again. Well, a company in Japan is now providing a day off if your relationship comes to an end. I'm not talking about a death, or a divorce, but just breaking up with your boyfriend can get you that much needed day off.

Could you imagine how many days you'd have to give to your lesbian employees??

Keys

The word Key has varied meanings depending on if it is used as a verb or a noun or adjective.

No, this is not a grammar lesson, but just a look at this world that I call my life. As an example, today I made a key observation. Everything and everyone are not what they seem. Not that I didn't already know that, at 47 I've seen quite a few duplicitous people. Yet, it always annoys me when they are revealed that I did not see it sooner. Maybe someday I'll be able to do that.

I also made another key observation today. Regardless if you are in the wrong, or in the right, blame will still follow many times just because of your associations. You'd think I would have learnt that by now as well. I have, but sometimes you get caught up in the moment and forget these key essential rules to life and relationships.

However, regardless of these things life moves on and you will run across another one of the people that are not what they seem, and you will also get caught into a situation where you are guilty by association. It happens. No matter how hard you try to avoid it. The key is to learn from it and when you see it coming you can make the choices that are beneficial to you.

The bottom line is that you are the only one that is going to look out for you. No one else. No one else is going to really watch your back. You have to do that yourself. Some people say that is being callus or selfish, but it's the truth.

So I learnt lessons today. That's a good thing.

Oh by the way did I tell you that DJ and I get our KEY tomorrow!!

Yes, tomorrow is the day we begin moving out of the basement and into our own place again.

I promise pictures in the future! That is what it is really all about. A key to our future.

Birthday # 47

Today was another birthday. Much like many of my other birthdays. I remember the birthdays as a kid when mom would go all out and make a cake and invite all the neighborhood kids over for cake and ice cream after dinner. Sometimes they brought gifts, sometimes they didn't, it didn't matter it was just wonderful to know mom remembered and wanted to make a big deal out of it for me.

This year DJ and I went camping, left Sunday returned today. It was a great time. Away from the phones and the hassles of time, work and responsibilities. All we did was sit around talk, play cards, and yes, of course having special time with one another after the sun went down. At 12:00 as soon as it turned the 10th, he turned and kissed me and whispered "Happy Birthday" into my ear. It doesn't matter that there was no cake or gifts (well except for the great gift certificate my friend Silver gave me on Saturday) and no bog fanfare, it was nice just to know he cared and remembered and that we were together.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Lucky Day

I've ben hearing about this day for quite some time now. Today is supposed to be lucky. Very lucky. It seems that every wedding chapel in Vegas is booked around the clock today, because everyone wants to get married today, 7-7-07. Not to be a sceptic, and not to say I am an expert on relationships, but I don't think it matters if you are married on 7-7-07 or 6-6-06, once you are married it takes more than luck to keep a marriage together. Right? A few things need to take place for a relationship to continue to grow and nurture. First of all love has to be in the equation. Then you need respect and communication. Not just talking to each other, but talking WITH each other. And of course you have to continually be patient and understanding and work to keep things fresh alive and new. Now if you think luck is going to bring all that together, then you really need a reality check for sure!

Now for my day. Today DJ's family had their annual family reunion. Lots of fun, pool, food and drinks. Many many drinks. I started my drinking a little early today. We had to go pick up food trays and dessert trays at DJ's store, and while we waited for them to get finished I had a tall, double vodka and cranberry. Since I've not been drinking for a while, it hit me fast. Then off to the party, where I continued my vodka and cranberry fix. The entire family was there. I've become part of the family so to speak and I now know most of the attendees. One of the main reasons for the reunion is for DJ's step father, Big D to spend time with his sister, Little B, who lives in Indiana. Little B is married to Indy K, and they have a daughter together, Dink ( I call her that cause she is so thin, a very sweet young blonde teenager), then there is their grandson, Tornado. I call him Tornado because like a tornado once he starts he keeps going until he is all spent out. A very busy little boy, who is ALL boy. He is 10, but looks about 7. Thin as a rail. Mainly due to immense energy. Indy K also has a son that attends when able. A sure fire catch for any available young women looking for a great guy. He seems like he would treat a girl with respect and a lot of attention. We will call him Fuzzy. (for obvious reasons if you check out the pictures to the left.) Then there are all the others, cousins, step moms, aunts, cousins, and in laws. A real mixture of people, cultures and backgrounds. I enjoy the family reunion and the food, and the pool, and the DRINKS! This year was no exception. Check out the pics over on the left side of the blog.

It's Not Just You

I became part of a conversation last week at work, that now that I think back on it really troubles me. Not so much for myself, but for the other party in the conversation. We were discussing my family and their reaction to my coming out. I'm out at work. Due mainly to the fact that most of the people that I work with, I worked with prior. I do not come to work waving the rainbow flag (unless of course my umbrella counts), however I do not hide the fact that I am a gay man that was once married with children and now is a grandfather. I am how I am. But anyway back to the conversation...

I told her that yes I do have regrets about coming out ( Aghast! ) not regrets about how, or the why, but how it effected my children. And the fact that after I left I was not an integral part of their every day life as I would have been if I had remained married to their mother.

It did effect them, and not in a good way. But then again when any family divorces, regardless of the reason, the children are going to be effected. This was true in my case. I also regretted the hurt it caused to my wife. I did love her, and she was and is a good person. She did not deserve to have to go through that. She did nothing wrong. But as I explained to my co-worker, the alternative would have effected them worse, as I was on verge of suicide.

We discussed this a little further and I could tell that this conversation was not about me, but something was going on in her life. Her eyes welled up with tears and then she says just matter-of-factly... "We are all fucked up, aren't we? Everyone in here, every family, every home. We all have issues and regrets don't we? We are all the same, just different situations, but the same."

Yes dear, we are all alike. Gay, straight, male, female, black, white, asian, moslem, christian...
We all have issues
No one is above it

Welcome to the thing called, LIFE.

Living the Life

I was not alive 50 years ago and I am sure living the gay life then was very private and secluded, especially if you were a gay couple. Today society is a wee bit more acceptable, and in the 5 1/2 years that DJ and I have been together we have never had to deal with any bigotry or homophobia. But then again we are not into PDA, and when we are in public, people probably don't even realize that we are a gay couple. (yes, they can tell that I'm gay, but DJ is a little more butch). Society has a long way to go, but I'm glad that I am living the life I want into today's society rather than 25, or 50 years ago.

One of the other things about living this life is that most people (including other gay couples) think that living the life of a gay couple is different than that of heterosexual couples. I hear guys all the time saying things about how they are not happy, or that their relationship was not what they expected. Relationships regardless of the gender of the partners is not all that different. Many gay couple (or at least in my opinion) think that once you come out, and find that guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, that everything will be roses, and you will always be happy. Life is life, regardless of who is living it, and from my own experience, my relationship I had for 15 years with my wife is not much different than that I have with DJ. Well except for the fact that we are both men...

But what I am saying is that it takes WORK. Relationships work because we make it work. Yeah, love is wonderful, and finding the one you really love makes it somewhat easier, but it still is work. It's not a party. Some gay couples think they have to go out every night, and party with the boys and have dinner parties, take cruises and all those other things. Those things are great, and I wish I had more money to do some of those things, but it is not those things that make a relationship. There are times that I would prefer just sitting home watching a great movie with DJ there with me.

Yes, there have been arguments and disagreements, and we make allowances for one another. It hasn't and isn't always a bed of roses. But it works. Because we work at it. We communicate and share and the bottom line is that we respect one another. But we are living the life, the one we want, and the one that makes us happy. No expectations, just going to work every day, paying the bills, enjoying one another and one another's family and friends, with the occasional night out, and yearly vacations. It's not always going to be pride rainbows and balloons, club hopping, and extravagant trips to exotic locations, but it's life. We are living it.

I love it that way!

And yeah, It helps that the sex is really great too...