Good...But Not Good Enough.

Today I joined the multitudes of Americans on the unemployment line. Yes, after six and a half years I was let go yesterday. Their reson? Failure to produce required quotas. A law firm, not a factory or assembly line, but a law firm. After six years of being a valued employee, and and outstanding employee (their words to me yesterday) they no longer feel that I have what it takes.

 

Since my stroke a year and a half ago, I have felt like they have been trying to get rid of me. I was one of the oldest employees, and made a good income, one of the higher paid employees, so I knew my time was limited, as their profit margins have decreased over the past three years substantially, so what better way to make thier ends meet? Get rid of high paid seasoned employees.

Now I go back to job interviews, reading want ads, claiming unemployment and hoping something happens, SOON!

Another chapter has started on this never ending story of my reality.

Rules? There are Rules to Dating??

Well, I have a date. A first date. It's been a while since I had a date.  I mean a real date, like going to dinner, conversation and getting to know someone date. Not sure if I remember how it's done... Surely it will come back to me... So here are my rules of a first date.

 

1. Don't let him carry the conversation:
There is surely something you can talk about and share in the conversation, don't let him have the whole night, this is my date too!
2.  Do not be a conversation hog:
I need to learn to be comfortable with pauses in the conversation; I don't need to fill the silence with words. He is sizing me up and thinking, even if it appears that he is doing nothing. He also doesn't want my life story in one sitting, Lord knows I could tell it. But I need to leave some mystery for him to discover over time.
3. Don't discuss past relationships:
Even if the last relationship was a good, which mine was, this is not the time to discuss.  If You trash talk the ex, that will leave a bad taste in his mouth, and if you talk to kindly and well of the ex, he may get the idea that you are still hung up on him. Don't ask him about his past relationships either, he will tell you in time...if there is another time.
4. Don't Get too heavy:
No reason to discuss, politics, religion, world affairs, this is a first date, get to know one another first. These things will come up later, again if there is a later.
5. Be Myself:
No reason to put on 'airs" or be something I am not. Be who I am, if he likes that fine, if not fine, at least I am not being someone I am not. Have to be honest with myself!

So with all that said, I am looking forward to this date. He is the one that has made all the prompts, so we will see how things go.

Alone...But Liking It.

 A little over a month ago I moved into my new place. Alone. First time I have ever lived alone, ever.  I really was anxious about living alone and not sure if I would like the idea of being by myself (well not totally by myself, I have my cat, Cordelia). There are pros and cons. The pros are I have my own complete space, and it's all me. From the decorations to the furniture to the food i eat and buy and how i spend my time.  Quite frankly I like those pros. No compromising on color schemes, or furniture or what kind of soap to buy. Here are some pics of the place, and you can see my style, can't you?

However there are cons as well. When I get lonely there is really no one here to talk to, and I am not a real big phone person, but now when I get on the phone I can't get off, because I haven't had any human interaction.  I know my friends and family are like..."what is wrong with him, does he ever shut up?"  But those that know me, they were probably saying that before I was living alone!  Some of the other cons are trying to cook for one person.  I am finding it is somewhat difficult to make enough to eat, without making too much that it sits in the fridge and goes bad, as I am not real big on leftovers.  It also is very quiet. I tend to leave on the TV just for sound.  I miss my roomies terribly, but they are a phone call away, and only live about 10 minutes away.  So when I get to missing them too much I can call or pop over and then leave when they have enough of me.  Honestly though the last few times I've been out, I look forward to going home.

One of the worst cons is the fact that I can not seem to get on a sleeping schedule.  I am finding that I am staying up later and then when the alarm says it's time to go to work, I am having a difficult time getting out of bed and getting motivated.  I am going to HAVE to force myself to making a bedtime and sticking to it.

Being living alone has not been as bad as I thought it was going to be. I think I have adjusted quite well. Maybe now I can work on not being single....not that i want a live in boyfriend though...I think I really need to give this living alone thing a shot!

Cubicle Heaven or Haven?

Work is a necessary chore, unless you were born into wealth and live off the interest your trust fund gives you.  It is something we all must do in order to provide for ourselves and our family and have the basic needs meet and those not-so-basic needs meet that we have grown accustomed to having.  I have been with my current employer over 6 years.  In this day and time, and in my industry that's pretty good.  The average tenure at my job is about 4 years.  Recently there have been an influx of new hires, as we are going through an organizational restructure. I am one that really does not have issues with change, and the changes being made, are much needed and have been for some time.

For the most part I have enjoyed my employment here, and always felt appreciated and like a person.  Lately though it seems with new management and the company growing and expanding that feeling of appreciation is waning, and no longer so I feel like a person, but a machine. I also feel that my co-workers are feeling the same thing as many are looking for other work and some have recently left.

I am at a stage in my life, where I do not feel like getting the resume out and pushing it out there and making the calls and jumping through the hoops to find a new job.  I just do not have the energy for it any more.  So I will stay here where I am and deal with the current uneasiness and hope that after the storm that I am still afloat.  If not, then I will worry about what I am going to do and start looking to find something else.  But for now, I will sit right there in my cubicle and continue to do the best work I can do, and ignore the negativity and complacency of others.  I may be settling, and is it a heaven here...no more like a haven, but if I look at the big picture, I do like my job and if I was to find something else, chances are the same things will begin to happen again, so where do we stop?  Retirement?  Probably, so until then...

Not A Baby Any Longer

My son's birthday is today. My youngest child of four. My baby is no longer a baby. He turned 20 today. A big turning point as far as age goes. No longer a teenager, but not a "real" adult yet. It wasn't too long ago we didn't know if he would see 20. Now four and a half years later the Hodgkins has been in remission for over three years, and the longer it remains there the less chance it has of rearing it's ugly head again.

I am proud and thankful for all my children, and I don't have a favorite child. Each one has a special place in my heart and with each one, our relationship is different. Adam has a special place, because he is the baby. Kind of like the last part of my own youth.  He ws born at a time in my life where I was moving from one chapter of my life to another. I divorced his mother when he was three and came out shortly thereafter. Now again, his turning twenty marks a turning point for both of us. Him from a teenager into adulthood, and me as a single gay man, living by myself for the first time in my life.  We both are going to experience things we've not experienced before and we both will have struggles as we make our path on our new journey. Regardless of what lies ahead for either of us, I know and he knows that we have each other. I'm Dad and I will be there for him whenever he needs me, and he is my baby and as always brings joy to my heart, and if I need him all I need to do is let him know and he will be here. But, regardless of what he says, he will ALWAYS be my baby.

Starting Over

Wow, it is hard to believe it was almost two years since my last post! Well it is time for me to start over, wouldn't you say? Not forgettting the past, as I don't want to forget the past, it has made me who I am.  I also don't want to start all the way back at the beginning, you can read my past posts for that! But this is a new start. On January 15, 2013, I moved into my own place. All alone! At fifty-two I am living alone for the first time in my life. 

It is an adjustment, to say the least, as it is a BIG change for me and it is something I never even thought about, but it has been exciting. Oh yes I have had a few meltdowns already and it has been emotional, but overall I am looking at this with a positive attitude and a renewal of sorts.

The search for a new place didn't take me long, and I love the new place (pictures to follow) and decorating and buying all new things was the best part of the transistion. However, now that all the new furniture and decor is in place, reality is setting in, and it's becoming real to me. I am living alone, (well except for my cat, Cordelia).  So what a perfect time to get back into the my blog, right? So share with me my new adventure as I look forward to the next chapter of my reality!

To Date or Not to Date...That is the Question

It's been almost a year since Dan and I broke up, and recently I've been thinking about dating again.  I mean seriously looking for someone to date. More than a one night stand, or a FWB. Someone special.

Well it's not as easy as I first thought it was going to be.  I mean a lot has changed in eleven years, which was the last time I went on a date.  There was the Internet 11 years ago, but online dating was in it's infancy, and many of the guys that were on those sites were not ones you would have wanted to take home to meet your mother...or pets.  However, now the Internet is flooded with gay dating sites and even apps for your phones.  There is gay.com, okcupid.com, grindr, scruff, adam4adam, growlr...and the list goes on and on, even craigslist has an man 4 man option for personal ads.  Some are true dating sites, but most a "hook-up" sites.  What happened to going out to the bars, or other social venues and find a nice guy?

Then there are the "types" of guy your looking for, or attracted to.  Do I want a twink, or bear, or sissy girl, or leather man.  Hell I just want a date!  Then there is the age thing... yes we in the gay community are very selective.  If you are 21 to 30, you don't want to date someone in their 50's.  A guy 50+ is like dating your grandfather! (Yes, I was told that)  If your 35 to 40, you also don't want to date someone over 50.  Why? Because they are wanting someone their age or younger, someone they can relate to.  And most of the guys that are 45-55? Well they are looking for some hot young stud to make them feel younger. So where do I fit in, in all of this?  I don't know, you tell me! I'm not picky about age. Well anywhere from 25 to 55,  I think that is a broad enough age difference. As far as my type? He just needs to be a gay man, that is established, employed and decent. Not so much into "types" either.

I was just hoping to jump back out there in the dating pool and find Mr. Right and settle back down in the daily grind with someone at my side. But do I really? Do I really want that?  Am I ready for another relationship?  Will I ever be ready for another relationship? Today I am not sure. But what I do know is that I do not like dating any more that I did 11 years ago.  It's hard, and painful, and it causes me to think WAY too much.  So what do I do?  I think the answer is plain and simple and it was said to me 11 years ago.  Just stop looking and thinking so much about it. If it happens it happens.

So for now I will continue to check the dating sites I have signed up on, and I will continue to meet and talk to guys when the opportunity arises. But I am not going to dwell on not having a boyfriend.  I am going to date myself, enjoy my friends and family and when it's right....well you know the rest of it.